


Cloudburst

by Gasian_Gaond



Category: BABYMETAL
Genre: F/F, RPF, Romance, Slice of Life
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-06-10
Updated: 2020-03-24
Packaged: 2020-04-23 21:40:22
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 14,193
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19159516
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Gasian_Gaond/pseuds/Gasian_Gaond
Summary: Yui Mizuno poured her heart and soul to rebuild her life in the aftermath of a tragic disaster. Everything is slowly turning back to normal, but her past continues to haunt her, and never has she expected that she must confront it again so soon.





	1. Chapter 1

 

_"Girls, gather round..."_

_"There is a little problem with the stage, but it's all fixed now."_

_"We're almost reaching the end of the tour..."_

_"Just relax and enjoy it as always, okay...?"_

_"Everything is completely under control."_

_"There is nothing to worry about."_

 

* * *

 

The sky has begun to darken.

Large gray clouds gather and swallow what is left of its beautiful blue shade. The old-gold color of the sun soon disappears, and among the ubiquitous skyscraper buildings only blackness remains. Droplets of water fall on the hard roads, sprinkling onto the cars as they race between red traffic lights, stubbornly flickering in the grey.

I stand silently in front of a train station, sheltered from the rain as I watch people running for cover and opening their umbrellas. The shower becomes heavier and the sound blurs into one long, whirring noise that resembles the rotor blades of helicopters.

I adjust my sunglasses and stare emptily at the plinking puddles.

_It was also raining like this that day..._

I shake my head, trying to shoo the depressing thoughts away. I catch a man in a suit staring toward my direction from the side, so I hurriedly put my hood on to hide my naturally permed hair.

I might not be an A-list celebrity, but some of my features are more easily recognizable than the rest.

I pull out my cell phone, rereading the last message in my Line.

_"Sorry! I have to drop by somewhere else for a bit. I won't be long!"_

I look at the clock on the screen.

 _She's running late_...I think, looking around the crowd.

Before I can decide whether to call her or not, I hear her voice over the noise of thrumming rain and bustling station. The woman I've been waiting for come running to me with a neatly wrapped package under her arm.

"Yui, sorry, I'm late...!"

"It's alright, Rinon..." I say to her with a smile, "Let's go to somewhere quieter, shall we?"

She nods and we move into the station, walking side by side before stopping at an empty corner near the restrooms.

"Here you go! I didn't let anyone touch the box. Put them completely under lock and key!" she says, seemingly proud that she has kept my package safe.

"Um...wow, you didn't need to go that far. Thank you so much!"

"No worries, no worries," she laughs, "By the way, I watched your latest movie. It's really good!"

"Really? Thank you! I did my best!"

"Yeah, I'm looking forward to your next one!" she says excitedly, "So you've finally decided to move here after all?"

"Yes, I've taken the long hard look on the available options. Moving here is the best choice."

"Is it really okay? You'll be living alone in your new apartment right?"

"Yup. I'll be fine. I like the place, it has a comfortable, lived-in feel about it."

"That's good...well, you just need to be careful. Isn't there a criminal on the loose?"

"Don't worry, I will," I assure her.

She happily pats me on the shoulder. "It's been so long since I last saw you, Yui! Mom sends her love," she winks, looking at me from head to toe, "Honestly, you don't change much."

"...aah. I heard that a lot. 'Your face never really changes, Mizuno'."

She chuckles. "So how's life?"

"Eh, I've given you the low-down already. It's still the same as always."

She gives me a nod. "I can imagine. It's not easy to remain loyal to the entertainment world. But then again, you're also doing it for the love of it."

"True. Well, I've got nothing to lose," I shrug, "And it's actually pretty typical. And boring."

"I'm very sure you are omitting some juicy details there! How can the life of an actress be boring?" she shakes her head, "Ah, but I guess for you, it's not as exciting as touring the world with Babymetal?"

She says it with a playful tone, in a completely innocent and joking manner.

However, it is enough for the entirety of the painful memories from that day to come back.

The rumbling footsteps... the faraway shouts... the serious, distant voices... my mind still remembers it like it was yesterday.

_"What happened...?"_

_"Someone, order a lockdown!"_

_"...things are looking bad for her, I'm afraid."_

_"How long do you think you want to do this for...? Until this becomes your only source of livelihood...? Until you can't stand anymore...?"_

Rinon's expression slowly shifts to that of concern. "...it's been almost five years since that day, hasn't it...?" she quietly asks, "Have you seen Su and Moa lately...?"

_"...Until you die...?"_

Over the years I have developed a defense mechanism to this kind of questions.

I no longer have that terrible feeling of dread in my chest, or the ripping sensation that threatens to split my heart into two.

I no longer nearly lose it when friends and interviewers confront me with questions about them.

I no longer cry when I remember  _her_.

Because Yuimetal has ceased to exist, and Yui Mizuno has had her heart torn to shreds.

All that is left is emptiness...dry decaying emptiness that slowly devours me from the inside.

But nobody...nobody would be able to tell.

I would not let them.

I put on a sweet smile on my face, one that can pleasantly fool even those who are closest to me. "No," I brightly reply to her, "I never want to see them anymore."

_All this rotten husk is doing is running away._


	2. Chapter 1

 

_I love watching the sun set._

_Those peaceful hues of red and orange remind me that no matter where I am in the world, some things would never change._

_The skies over other countries look slightly different from our own, but they are essentially one and the same._

_It is but one of the most definite aspects of nature._

_It is a warm assurance that the sunset will always be there to welcome me home._

_As sure as a smile forming on my face when I heard her soft voice._

_"We'll be home before long, won't we...?"_

_She sat beside me by the window, gazing at that golden ball on flames far in the horizon, its colors merging with the sky and dissolving into the surface of the sea._

_Her face, aglow with the last sparkling rays of sun before twilight beckons the stars, is the most mesmerizing thing I have ever seen._

_"Yes..." I whispered, leaning my head against her shoulder, "Things are looking good."_

_"We'll end this vacation in Japan..." she said, wrapping an arm around my shoulder, "...and after that..."_

_"After that...?"_

_Her answer was as silent as the winds._

_But I already know...ever since I saw a receipt from a jewelry store inside her pocket._

_She doesn't even have to say it._

_I already know._

 

* * *

 

_Beep...beep...beep..._

My eyes flutter open as the loud rings of the alarm awakes me from my slumber. There is a fleeting feeling of peace and warmth, as if I was still right back there with her arm around me. However, as quickly as it came, my mind is violently thrown back to the present.

I shake my head, clenching my eyes until tiny stars begin to appear under my lids.

Those times are long gone.

I lightly slap my cheeks, trying to get my head into gear.

 _I am Yui Mizuno, an actress, this is my new apartment,_ I tell myself.

... _that girl is..._

Slowly, things are starting to come back to me.

Sometimes, things that I have long since forgotten resurface beneath my consciousness, and I must make those thoughts disappear.

I have to make everything, every single thing and emotion inside my mind march in a lockstep.

In order to live my life peacefully.

In order to erase those loose ends permanently.

 _It's not her_ , I told myself,  _It's just a lookalike. It's not her..._

I roughly rub my eyes, paying no heed to the tears that formed there, and push myself to get up on my feet.

However, just as I stood up and stretched a little, the unfamiliar ring of the doorbell startles me.

I hurriedly glance at the clock on my table.

09.40 AM

I didn't realize I woke up so late.

The bell rings again. Without having any time to change, I rush to the door and open it while still wearing my pajamas.

Hana is there, her body wrapped in a thick coat and her long straight hair tucked in a beanie.

She takes one short glance at me before speaking in her familiar sharp tone that I haven't heard for some time.

"Wow. You haven't changed at all. Still a heavy sleeper, huh?"

"I'm not! This is just...one of those days..."

I look away, hoping that she doesn't notice how wet my eyes are.

But my appearance is such a mess that there is no way she doesn't spot it as soon as she saw me.

"...It's not necessary to hide something like that," she says as she takes off her shoes, "You need to liven up a little. You don't look like yourself."

"I had a bad dream, okay? I'm sorry I slept in," I grumble.

"Really? How bad?"

"One of the worst dreams in my life. I want to forget it already," I say to her with an uncaring tone.

She stares at me for awhile as we walk inside, but to my relief, doesn't inquire further.

She switches to topics like work and home life, which we have a lot in common since we both work in entertainment and just moved to live in an apartment on our own.

"How did you get everything out so quick?" she asked, looking around my living room, "I spent the whole day just measuring up the furniture and miscounting everything, and the first night I finished moving, I gave up and just used my cushions as a makeshift bed! And don't get me started on the miscellaneous household items."

"Well...I got a lot of help."

"Must be nice to have two brothers you can order around."

"Ha, I wish," I grumble, "They keep trying to stop me from moving out, saying it's dangerous for a woman to live alone. It got even worse when my little brother's soccer team were matched against last year's champions in the first round. He's in a constant bad mood for at least an entire month."

"Well, they're worried about you, especially because you refuse to look for a roommate."

"Hana, I'm a big girl, I can take care of myself. And I don't want a stranger snooping around my stuff and looking for scandals they can sell to tabloids."

"Why not look for a family or friend you can trust to share this place with you? There's ought to be someone, so you don't have to be alone here all the time."

"I see what you mean, but I can't find any," I shrug, "I tried, but... I don't know... I just can't find a suitable roommate for me. So I decided to take matters into my own hands and just move here alone."

Hana crosses her arms, tapping her foot on the floor.

"But how come?"

"They just don't click with me."

"Right...and all those years when you travelled around the world, you could handle a clingy roommate who insisted on sleeping with you every single night?"

The silence that follows her words is so thick it can probably be cut with a knife.

Hana seems to realize this, but "stubbornness" is her middle name.

She is also one of  _her_  closest friends, who was always there by her side through Sakura Gakuin and Babymetal's hardest times, who never turns her back on her...

Unlike me.

Her friendship means a great deal to me, but Hana is always loyal to  _her._

That is why she would never understand.

She would never understand even if I explain it a hundred times.

"...we are not going through this again," I say to her, "Everything was different back then."

"I just don't understand you, Yui," she scoffs, "You two used to be attached at the hip, despite having nothing in common. For  _years_. You even dated each other. And then everything just...ended. Vanished. As if that whole decade  _never_  happened."

I feel anger boiling in my heart.

Hana and I are only supposed to meet up for a drink to catch up with each other's lives.

Not discussing a past that is long gone.

Not discussing about  _her._

The person I want to remember the least in the world.

"Hana, we are not talking about this. She and I are not meant for each other, we have made that clear."

"Yui, you two can't avoid each other forever," she shakes her head, "For you, those years might as well not exist, but not for other people. Not for me."

She sighs and stares at me straight in the eye.

"Not for Moa."

"What..." I gape, "What do you mean...?"

"I...I heard a few things from Moa," she says hesitantly, "The thing is, you can't run away forever, Yui."

She lets out a long sigh.

"...Moa is coming back," she reveals, "And so is Su. So is everyone else."

I raise an eyebrow. "Why...?"

"They are making a documentary," she says, "Babymetal documentary."

I stand there in stunned silence as Hana glares at me to see my reaction.

No matter how far I am...

I can never outrun history.

No matter how hard I try...

"Yui...?"

...The past is going to catch up to me.

 

* * *

 

It didn't take long until the news finally arrived to me through my manager.

We sit in her office while I twiddle my thumbs and she looks over the documents that just arrived.

Once in a while she would click her tongue and run her hand through her short black hair.

Miho, my manager, is really good at what she does. Although she is a little uptight, she never passes up an opportunity when she sees one.

I just...don't think this is one of those opportunities.

"...well...I won't deny that she is quite the looker..." she finally comments.

I stop myself from making any reaction.

All those words do is throwing me back to the days when I used to think the same way.

"I mean...Yui...there is nothing going on between the two of you right now, correct? Is something the matter with you?"

"That is exactly the problem, Miho," I tell her, "There is  _nothing at all_. I don't even speak to them anymore. How can we accept this offer?"

"This seems more like a docudrama of sorts, not just a documentary. They are making a movie out of it, marketing it as a 'based on true story' drama, aiming it at the mainstream that are the make-up of regular movie-watching audiences. It's not unlike the movies you have done before."

"It's  _very_  unlike the movies that I have done before!"

When Miho glares back at me, I realize I just unconsciously raised my voice.

I quickly sit down in shame. "...sorry."

"Yui, history is history. It's all in the past. And if you haven't gotten over that..." she hands me the paper on her hand, "...then this is probably the only chance to get over that past..."

As I read the letters "Moa Kikuchi" that are emblazoned on the top of the document, my eyes catch the first photo of hers that I have seen in months.

She still looks the same as I remember her, with her dimpled smile, straight chestnut hair and big brown eyes.

It's the face that I always adored and longed for...

The face of a girl that was everything I asked for in a person...

An absolutely perfect human being.

And also my worst nightmare.

"Don't you want to show her you can match up to her...?" she asks, "Show her you don't care about her anymore. Just give it a try. If not, there is no harm with meeting with them and having a look-see at the film-making plans or something."

In these five long years never once had I thought of meeting  _her_ again.

Perhaps Miho has a point.

Matters came to a head, I keep running away and now we are no longer on speaking terms.

Although I'm still of two minds about accepting it, maybe it is time to settle it like adults.

_And who knows..._

A thought crosses my head as I stare at the picture in my hand.

... _Maybe we can be friends again._

As much as I don't want that to happen.

\----4444----

It is impossible to happen.

I don't think for a minute that this misconceived plan will ever go well, and Miho must be out of her mind to even suggest this to me.

I can't even think of saying a word to her, let alone a conversation.

It's just been too long, and too uncomfortable, I don't think I can even be in the same room as her.

But here I am...inside one of the best offices in Amuse headquarters, an hour too early and sitting all alone in the wide meeting table while a TV is playing on the background.

"...As flu season rolls around, the public should be on the lookout for the symptoms and know about the frequently held misconceptions of the disease. In this month alone, flu has claimed a number of lives that is previously never seen before..."

The news report sounds like static in my ears, as there is only one single thing that has been dominating my sleep-deprived mind since the night before.

My first meeting with  _her_ in years.

It would be in a strictly professional setting, but still...

Things from the past are going to be mentioned.

And I would have to deal with them while looking straight into her eyes.

Those beautiful, amazing eyes...

I pinched my cheek, ridding myself from those unbearable thoughts.

 _What are you getting so worked up for?_ I scold myself,  _Just think of this as something boring. Something as boring as a chore...or...make-work you used to do as a lowly newbie...or...that boring thing they always forced you do in your old part-time job to match up the orders and invoices..._

I focus my attention to the TV, trying my absolute best to think of all sorts of random thoughts like what I am going to eat for lunch, just when I hear the exact same word being mentioned just outside the door.

And as soon as I notice that voice, I feel my heart nearly skips a beat.

"Nah, I won't want to have lunch there. I went there once when I used to work here, and you know what? The reviews don't match up with the actual food! It's terrible."

"You used to work here, what, ten years ago? It's all good and renovated now."

"...five years ago actually," she says, "Anyway! I have a meeting to go to."

"Sure," the other voice replies, "It's really nice to meet you again, Moa. Can't believe I get to see you inside here again!"

I watch with held breath as that doorknob slowly turns to reveal the girl in the picture, still as gorgeous as I remember her to be.

Perhaps...even  _more_  gorgeous.

She has grown to be an even more beautiful woman than before.

Wearing a scarf and a beanie that hides her long hair, she freezes for a second when she sees me but proceeds to take them off and walk to the opposite end of the room as if nothing happens.

I try my hardest not to stare at the flowing locks of her hair.

She puts her bag on the corner before casually walks to my side. I bite my lip, attempting to hide my emotions as she gives me a slight hesitant nod and points to the remote on the table.

Her pearly eyes seem to gleam under her mirrored sunglasses.

"Uh..." she starts, "Can I... borrow that?"

And in that instant, a wave of calmness suddenly washes over me.

How could I forget...?

There is nothing left between us.

Neither of us even greet each other when we meet.

The first thing she said to me in five years is to borrow a TV remote.

It is sad in a way, but...

Maybe this is for the best.

"Sure," I smile at her.

I see the dimples forming on her face, like I witnessed a thousand times before.

It still mesmerizes me, every single instance.

However, my gaze is met with indifference.

"Thanks."

She picks up the remote and switches the channel to a cooking show, sits down across from me and watches.

"...after cutting the carrots into matchsticks now measure out a cup of milk and add to the mixture. Now we recommend using skim milk instead of full cream milk, however you should know about something else that is the meat and potatoes of this very special dish..."

We sit there in complete silence as the cook continues to speak on the TV, and it stays that way until everyone arrives and we get a phone call saying Su is unable to come because of something urgent.

We decide to reschedule the meeting, and that is the only conversation I had with her that day.

Looking back, we didn't talk much at all...but I can't help but feel nostalgic.

Maybe it's because of something that both of us used to say as children, back when we were just young kids being interviewed for working together in the same two groups.

"I never think about not being together with Yui..." Moa would say, and I would nod and reply, "It is never a thought. We are always together really. We are always together even when staying at the hotel."

"We met every day during summer. I don't know how to spend time alone on holidays well."

"Yes. We were together from morning to night at times. We were together than with our own family last summer."

"Yes. It became all right even if we remained silent each other," she would laugh, "We would be in a bad mood in the morning."

"That's right. We both would wake up in a bad mood, but..." I said, smiling at her, "I feel that it is good because I can have a good friend I can be comfortable with even when we are not speaking with each other."

The interviewer let out a chuckle and said, "You two will be friends forever? Even if you went separate ways?"

We glanced at each other, exchanging a knowing grin, before answering her in unison.

"Yes, we will...!"

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A little trivia: The interview in the end is a real interview that Yui and Moa did with Natalie.mu (https://babymetalnewswire.jimdo.com/2015/03/28/moa-yui-interviewed-about-babymetal-and-their-friendship/)


	3. Chapter 2

No matter how much it feels like a distant memory now, Babymetal is the making of me.

It's like I have a second family who raise me with their own hands.

Everyone cares for each other, and tries their best to make every show a success, even before we knew what we were doing was history in the making.

That, of course, includes Su and  _her._

Suzuka is like a big sister that I never had.

She is the leader of our group, with her strong melodious voice and very unique personality, that sometimes I have to keep in check.

We pretty much grew up together, so I know a lot of things about her, and vice versa.

Then...there was... _her_.

Since we were kids we were always being paired up to the point that she got sick of me.

We were always a pair by many names... MoiMoi...Mui...Black Babymetal...

We were given matching outfits and duets to emphasize it.

To be honest, I can't imagine my life without her.

And then...I don't know since when...she started becoming more in my eyes.

For a while I wondered if it was just because we were raised as a pair.

As time went on, I realized I was deeply in love with her antics and smiles.

But that was all in the past.

We have gone our separate ways.

All of that connection we built over the years... now is nowhere to be found.

Even when we sit there in the same room, surrounded by execs and managers, we hardly say a thing to each other.

Of course this intrigues Miho's curiosity after the meeting.

"Just as a matter of interest... how many years did you guys work together?"

I give her a shrug.

I love working for her, she's professional and always has the look of a woman who means business, but sometimes she asks too much.

"I don't know... Since we first met? That was when I was...what, nine, ten years old...?"

"That's a really long time..."

"Well, that all doesn't matter now," I scoff, taking a drink from my bottle, "We might as well be complete strangers. They didn't even look at me."

"Kikuchi didn't," she says, "...but Nakamoto did."

I turn to her. "...what?"

"You didn't notice? Nakamoto kept sneaking glances at you during the whole meeting."

I look down to the ground, feeling a little ashamed that I didn't notice that.

It's also been awhile since I last saw Su.

And she still looks as humble and amazing as ever, dressed in plain clothes and speaking politely to everyone.

But we didn't speak at all to each other.

That whole meeting, I just...

...stared at Moa.

However, she never looked back at me, not even once.

I know it was irrational, but in the back of mind I did feel disappointed, as if I failed to measure up to her expectations.

Even so, I didn't let it show on my face.

I answered every question and smiled sweetly to the execs.

Nobody knew how much it hurt being there.

"Well, see what I mean? That went much better than expected, didn't it?" she says, "I really don't think it's a good idea to burn down the bridges with your old friends. You girls should reconcile somehow."

When I don't respond, she hands me a small piece of paper.

"What is this?"

"Phone numbers," she tells me, "You probably already have their numbers, and I know your mind's made up, but this is a good excuse to reconnect with them if you want."

"But I don't want to reconnect with them."

"Well, take it as a job of sorts," she explains, "They're finding someone to play a younger version of you, but they are still deciding on whether you three would play yourselves for your later years. You're the only one who has the makings of an actress, so we can't have your acting be less authentic than them, we need it to be real. Like the way you three were back in your teenage days. And now you're all acting like a bunch of strangers. Think of this as a preventive measure."

She shoves the paper into my hand and says, "Just get them to come to a popular meeting place or something and talk."

Without further ado, she walks away and leaves me standing in the middle of the road, her high heels clacking loudly as she goes.

I watch her until she disappears to the corner, before ripping the paper and throwing the pieces into a bin.

It would be better if we don't go back to being friends.

It would be better if we were  _never_ friends.

Those days are long gone and we can never go back.

Right now pain is the only thing that's left.

 

* * *

 

With a heavy heart I drag my feet back to my apartment, dreading all the days in the future that I have to spend in the same room as Su and  _her_.

Perhaps continuing with the project is not the best of ideas.

After all it is a matter of opinion this project would help my career or not, and if they exaggerate the plot to make it look too melodramatic, or open to misinterpretation, I probably wouldn't approve.

Maybe I should just pick up a simpler project, like that one by a horror-meister...Still beats how complicated this one is for me.

I'm sure Miho wouldn't push me to keep going if I staunchly refuse.

When I arrive in front of my door, I pull out my phone to call Miho and tell her I changed my mind about the movie. I open my contacts and search her number. Mentally, I begin to list the things that I want to say. However, just when I am about to press the call button, my phone screen starts flashing because of an incoming call from a private number.

I answer it. "Hello...?"

"Um..."

I recognize that voice almost immediately.

"Yui...? It's me, Su..."

I don't know how to react.

Su and I hadn't been talking to each other for a long time.

Why did she call me all of a sudden...?

My brain immediately switches to survival mode.

"Oh, Su! Uh, what's the matter?"

"Oh, no, nothing's wrong, I just..." she hesitates, "To be honest, I don't know. I just...called this number without thinking."

For a while there is an awkward silence between us.

I have no idea what she possibly wishes to do by calling me.

That huge untearable wall between us will probably never melt away.

I consider my options. Maybe I should just find a way to end this call, it'll save us both some trouble.

"Um...Su, I'm really sorry, but I..."

"I..." she interrupts, "I just want you to know that I'm happy you still keep my memento."

It takes a second for those words to register in my mind.

"...I saw it earlier today...on your phone."

Oh...right, because I was constantly on my phone to avoid staring at Moa.

A tiny bunny strap that I received from Su is still attached there.

I don't know why I still keep it.

Perhaps to remind myself of those old days... as the years go by and we disappear from people's short memories.

It feels like a memorabilia for me...although I should've thrown it away ages ago.

I'm aware it can be a menace to me...the way I cannot let go of these trinkets.

Nevertheless, I'm happy that Su noticed it.

"It's nothing, um, it's..." I stumble with my words before settling on "...It's cute. I like it."

She chuckles. "Of course I knew you would before I bought that," she says, "That's what it is meant for anyway, for you to keep it for years to come."

I gape, not really knowing what to say to that.

But this has happened many times before.

Su knows me, and my tendency to have mental blocks in the middle of a conversation.

She mentions that to me and says, "You haven't changed, Yui."

"...and neither have you," I reply with a measured tone.

"You've become very pretty now, though. Not that you're not beautiful before, but now you're completely out of this world! I mean it!"

She can't see my flushed face, but she can probably hear it from how much I stutter my thanks.

"So...how are you doing now, Yui? Have you become a mega rich actress? Made your millions?"

I still don't like her teasing.

"Why, I'm on my way to earn some serious megabucks, thank you."

The mention of my job did make me feel nervous.

Having a conversation is one thing, but knowing one of your former closest friends still follows your career is a different matter.

Did Su watch my movies...?

Did she like it...?

Or did she think they were awful...?

"Oh, I've only watched bits of it. Himetan really likes your movies, though!" she adds for good measure.

Himetan.

Now that's a name I haven't heard in a long time.

Su still loves talking about her sister.

Soon she is speaking nonstop about Himetan, how she is on medication and it helps her a lot as she is on the mend, and how happy she is as her career as a therapist starts to take off.

I listen to her rambling and smile at myself.

It's very hard to dislike Su.

She's never one to speak in metaphorical language, she is very literal and always means what she says, in this sincere way that is so her.

It's like the day when we first met.

I was excited to meet one of my Karen Girls idols, and she turned out to be so much more.

A one in a million personality with a heart of gold, whose eyes can shift from melting to merciless and menacing in less than a second, whose voice is able to shatter the skies, one of the best in living memory.

The messiah of metal.

She was a very special person to me.

And yet...

Even this friendship burned down over the years.

"...Yui...? You still there...?"

"Uh...? Yes, I am."

"I'm really glad we can see each other again," she says, "...I really do. After all that's happened, I thought you would go mental with even the idea of this project."

I can't tell her that it is the truth.

But it's not all because of Su.

It's because...

"It surprises me even more that Moa actually agreed to do this," she remarks, "Not to mention she turned down a show offer for this."

"...what? She did that?"

"Yeah, I was also surprised when I found out. Nobody expected that. Not even her manager, for that matter."

For a moment I was at a loss for words.

Like Su, I thought  _she_  of all people would be the one who is against this project the most.

Her mannerisms during the meeting didn't help either, she was pretty much out of it and clearly uninterested in the discussion.

The only time she looked particularly excited was when she was trying the mentholated sweets on the table.

_What did she mean by this...?_

_What the heck was she thinking...?_

"Anyway, I gotta go now. It was nice talking to you again, Yui."

"Oh," I snap out of my thoughts, "Yeah, see you."

Those last words came out of my mouth in English. From the silence that follows, I can tell that Su is as taken aback as I am.

"S-sorry, that was..."

"Well, I haven't heard that in forever," she giggles,"....See you, Yui."

I hear a click and the call ends.

I burst into my apartment and slump on my chair, feeling so many conflicting emotions.

I don't know if I should continue this...

I'm not sure if I  _want_  to continue this...

It's just a matter of time before this train wreck of a project will go off course and drag us all down with it.

But when I listen to Su's cheerful voice...

I don't have the heart to pull away.

 

* * *

 

_Babymetal is a once in a lifetime project._

_Every few months I got to leave Japan to entertain crowds from all around the world._

_Our shows were a blitz full of adrenaline._

_Even those who felt they got the short measure still paid big bucks to watch us._

_Other times we stayed back and planned, strategized in meticulous detail, because Babymetal's shows require every member of the crew to work together like a well-oiled machine._

_Moa is a resourceful, friendly girl._

_She shows her mettle under pressure and can get along with pretty much anyone, although she would feel a little shy at first with cute girls._

_She has no problems working with anyone even after I am no longer a member._

_I am happy for her, but at the same time, I can't help but feel a little left out._

_Especially when we are on a date and that is the topic of our conversation, usually the only one Moa wants to talk about before deciding on the menu._

_Seeing her excited face always makes me happy though, and I also got to watch their rehearsals and helped mentor the new dancers._

_It felt like being back in Sakura Gakuin again._

_"I think they still look tense at times," I comment on the video that Moa showed me._

_"That's what I mean! We still do extra last-minute rehearsals as a matter of course, but sometimes I feel not even those are enough," she says, "It's very different without you, Yui."_

_"We all knew it would be, and we promised ourselves we would manage."_

_"You did help a lot with our training," she adds while eating her lemon meringue pie, "And you seem to go through the whole melodramatics of you leaving, really fast!"_

_"What can I say...I'm still there constantly and meeting you guys all the time," I reply flatly, "You, on the other hand, don't seem to get over it as quickly as I do."_

_"I cried for days."_

_"...I'm really sorry."_

_"They should've made a special show in memory of Yuimetal or something."_

_"...I don't think it's a good idea to make it an even bigger deal than it already is..."_

_"Of course it is...! What are you talking about? Graduation is one of the most important events an idol can have. I'm merely stating what everybody is expecting. How can you not want one...?"_

_"I don't know...I just don't...?"_

_She stares at me in disbelief._

_"You're always like this, Yui, avoiding the spotlight..."_

_"Moa, I'm not like you..."_

_It pains me that I have to say that._

_"...I'll never be like you."_

_Yui and Moa...always together...but complete opposites of each other..._

_We realized it years ago...sooner or later our paths were going to diverge._

_Back in the day when Moa mentioned it to me...I could not accept it._

_I wanted to be together forever with Moa._

_Always...forever...in Babymetal or otherwise._

_I didn't want to ever be separated from her._

_Then she explained to me, as gently as she could, that it was impossible for us to perform together forever._

_I tried my best to understand her, though I couldn't at the time._

_Never have I expected... that dreadful separation would happen in the most violent way possible._

 

* * *

 

I spend the night alone in my apartment, deep in thought.

I switch on the TV just to drown out the flashbacks in my head.

"...winter is approaching and we are currently at the mercy of the weather," the man on the TV says, "...Some strong winds we are having this week, and there is a chance of a typhoon coming, but don't you worry, we will always be here as a messenger for your daily forecast..."

When the forecast fails to capture my attention, I switch around the channels until I land on a movie, but my mind continues to wander. The movie is over in a matter of minutes, and I don't think I retained anything of the plot other than the first scene. I switch the channels again before settling on...of all things, a fishing show.

I remember this show, it always brings a different celebrity guest in each episode to boost ratings. Otherwise, it's just a normal show about fishing.

"So you can see the mess of fish over there," the host explains to the young female celebrity, "It's not as easy as it looks to catch them...!"

Watching the girl struggling with fishing somehow reminds me of someone.

... _I think_ she _often appears in shows like this...celebrities doing random stuff..._

Then I realized I never knew the names of the shows that  _she_  appeared in.

For several seconds I pondered on whether I should search for them and try watching one of  _her_  shows.

I stare at my phone, tightening my grip around it, before deciding that it's not worth the trouble.

My thought slowly wander to what I should eat for dinner, when I hear a loud bang from outside my door.

My heart jumps to my throat.

My first instinct is to look for a weapon, but I realize there is nothing like that inside the apartment.

Nor do I have enough martial arts skills to fend myself from an uninvited intruder who comes in the middle of the night.

I gulp, my pulse is going so fast I can feel it thrumming in my ears.

To take a look....or not take a look...?

I can't help but think that I would be stabbed once I opened the door...but curiosity overtakes me.

Preparing to call 110 on my phone, I pick up my kitchen knife and carefully approach the front door.

Peeking through the keyhole gives me nothing.

Taking a deep breath, I slowly unlock the door and turn the knob.

I can't see anything but darkness outside, with faint lights from across the road.

"...Hello?" I try calling out.

No reply.

I feel shivers running down my spine.

As I close the door behind me, I hear a mew that nearly makes me jump in surprise.

Then I see it, a cat dashing toward the corner when it sees me.

I sigh out loud in relief.

It's just a cat.

Just a cat...

Shaking my head to clear my thoughts, I go back inside and straight to my bed. Within minutes, I have fallen into a dreamless sleep.

 


	4. Chapter 3

Every few weeks when I have time, I would visit my elder brother, who lives in an apartment in midtown with his wife.

I love his condo, it faces this beautiful river and his neat, clean rooms always have this fresh minty smell. I was skeptical when he bought it, because he is susceptible to cheap buzzwords like “a miracle of engineering”, but I end up quite liking this condo.

We would sit on the balcony, drinking tea while talking about family and life, from our grandfather’s misaligned vertebra to his dog misbehaving itself for the umpteenth time.

Back in the day my brother was always crazy about sports, one of the best middle-distance runners his university has ever seen.

He used to dream about joining the army, but decided against it in the end. Now he is just a homely, happily married office worker.

“One day I just woke up and realized, I was just not meant for the army, you know,” he would say, “I’m not like you, Yui, you always seem to know what you really want.”

“That’s not true…” I disagree, “You’d be surprised at how many wrong choices I made.”

“Like dating Kikuchi?” he laughs.

The atmosphere turns gloomy in a millionth of a second.

It took much longer for my brother to realize it.

“…I’m sorry, that was a bad joke.”

“No, you’re right,” I shake my head, ”It was dumb. All those times you said what I felt was not real and it was all just in my mind…you were right.”

“No, please don’t bring that up again,” he cringes, “I didn’t mean all those horrible things. I was young, and dumb, and…” he hesitates. “…well, Kikuchi was…beautiful…and funny…and…”

“I know. You had a crush on her,” I chuckle.

“I was a teen, okay?” he says in a flustered tone, “You have to understand why it was hard for me when… you admitted that you and Moa…”

“Were sleeping together?”

“Goodness, Yui…!”

“What? You’re a married man, you know how that works.”

“No, I don’t, and I don’t want to know…!”

He lets out a long sigh.

“…even so, I never want for the two of you to stop hanging out,” he says, “You two used to be together all the time. It just sucks that you never do it anymore…”

“It doesn’t suck for me. We just…” I stare at the floor, “…need a break from each other.”

“It doesn’t look like a break to me,” he says, “It’s been what, five years already?”

When I don’t respond to him, he adds, “…I’m sorry to bring that up, you always hate that. It’s just…”

He carefully pets my head.

“It’s just that…you always smile, but somehow…you look sad all the time…”

His words prick my heart like a needle.

I don’t want to…

I don’t want to even think about it..

“Yui…” he says, “…Do you miss her…?”

I couldn’t bring myself to answer.

 

* * *

 

What is it that matters more to you than anything else in the world…?

Everyone’s answer would be different from each other.

Back then I would answer with my family, friends, and Sakura Gakuin…

Now I’m not really sure…

Back in the day I remember I love being in plays, acting out in miniature the dramas of adult life…so I choose to become an actress.

However, my life is like a series of roller coasters, so much that I don’t know what my purpose in life is anymore.

To say I’m confused and uncertain is to put it mildly.

But life goes on…and as promotional time for my new movie rolls around, I become busy with a million things…interviews, events, press release, fan meets and greets…

Today is no different, I smile to the camera and wave to the fans, answer a few questions, and sign a few things.

However, after the event is over, I see a rather familiar face in the crowd that I haven’t seen in a while.

The short-haired petite girl who is a wearing a bright yellow floral dress comes up to the stage and greets me.

“Yui…!”

“…Ayami…?” I gasp, “Oh my god, it’s been forever…!”

“Eh, what do you mean forever? We met last month...!”

“In the studio, yeah. But it’s been awhile since we actually hang out…! I miss you!”

“Me too, Yui,” she gives me a warm hug, “I heard you would be in town for the event and decided to pay you a visit…!”

“Oh, wow, really? But it’s quite a long commute from your house, isn’t it?”

“Ah, I got here by car, no messing..! I had my mid-morning coffee,” she waves her hand, “Anyway, you’re amazing in this movie, Yui…! I feel the plot is too much like a Mills and Boon romance but I really like that part in the end when you…how the heck did you make that mewling sound anyway?”

I let out a laugh. “I have a talent for mimicry.”

“Gee, this role must have been a Mickey Mouse job for someone as talented as you.”

“Not really, I…”

My eyes fall on the fans that are still milling around in the room, who are now pointing and aiming their phone cameras at Ayami and I.

They must have recognized Ayami.

“Anyway, maybe we should go to the back. We are attracting too much attention.”

“Oh, don’t worry about that, I’m not staying for long. I have to go somewhere else, I’m just dropping by because this place just happens to be right at the midway point of our trip and…um…”

She looks back over her shoulder.

“…someone wants to see you.”

I gaze at the direction she’s looking. At that moment, among the milling crowd I recognize a very distinct figure standing near the entrance of the hall with her arms folded, her face obscured by a baseball cap.

The minute our eyes meet…it happens again.

My heart reacts instinctively to her.

It’s like it never forgets the way she made it flutter.

It’s a painful reminder, like a scar.

A permanent one that will never go away.

Her expression is unreadable as she turns around and leaves the place, and I only catch a glimpse of her flowing dark locks as she disappears from sight.

Ayami seems perturbed by her behavior.

“We’ve gone all the way to here, and yet she just…” she shrugs, “I’m sorry, Yui, you don’t deserve this.”

“No…” I shake my head, “I deserve it.”

“No, you don’t…! And Moa’s always…!”

“I gotta go,” I interrupt, “It’s nice seeing you again, Ayami.”

“Moa doesn’t hate you in that way,” she says, “I just…want you to know that.”

I stare at her for a second, before giving her a polite nod and walking away.

By this point, it doesn’t matter to me if she does.

We are simply sinking deeper and deeper into the mire.

When the truth comes out, that guilt, that millstone around my neck, would drag me down to my doom.

 

* * *

 

_There is a time when I feel the most exposed, the most vulnerable, and that is when I am naked on the bed with Moa._

_I always have this invisible wall erected around me, to stop people from getting to close to my inner self._

_But with Moa…she easily tears it all down._

_She would do things that make my mind black out while moans stream out of my throat._

_It doesn’t matter if it’s midday or midnight, she would find ways to get me in the mood and I would be left in her bed exhausted and satisfied._

_It was unthinkable at the time, how much I would react to another person._

_I can feel her love and desire through her actions._

_It resembles a performance of sorts, a musical combination of dance and mime._

_It works because we love each other, because we click with each other._

_I would stare deep into her eyes, which are as brown as the earth after the rain, as calming as a bright blue millpond…_

_And think about how lucky I am to have her, this one girl in a million…_

_Being with her is like a dream come true…a dream that I’m not sure can last forever._

_Because there is just too much at stake in our profession._

_After a particularly intense lovemaking session, we lie on our backs side by side, breathing heavily while admiring the ceiling…and something comes up in my mind._

_“Moa…how long do you think we can do this…?”_

_“Hm…?”_

_She turns to me drowsily, and I sigh._

_“We’re not two random girls having sex with each other,” I say matter-of-factly, “This…fling or whatever we are having…it’s going to creep up to our lives sooner or later.”_

_“It’s not a fling,” she mumbles, “Or at least I don’t want it to be…”_

_“Do you want us to…hide this forever?”_

_“No,” she replies lightly, “…do you?”_

_I gape at her._

_“…Moa…if everyone knows…”_

_“I don’t really mind if they know,” she mutters, “It’s just…exhausting when people try to pair me up with every male artist out there. I’m sure they mean it for the best…but I…I wish they could understand.”_

_“They would not,” I tell her, “Tabloids would milk the story for weeks if they find out, and both of our careers would be over in a blink of an eye. “_

_“I’ve told you, I don’t mind if they know,” she says in a stronger tone, “…but you. You would mind, wouldn’t you…?”_

_I can’t give her an answer._

_“Yui, do you know what I noticed after dating you?” she asks, “It’s that you always run away from your problems.”_

_Soon she moves on to other topics that interest her, like the ground beef she bought for lunch._

_But the thought doesn’t leave my head, and I realize that if things go wrong, I have to choose between my love and my career._

_Having to leave Moa…nothing could be further in my mind than that._

_And I’m not sure if I will ever be ready for that._

 

* * *

 

From the beginning of the project decision, I’ve known that confronting _her_ would mean trouble.

That is why I generally wouldn’t exchange more words with her than necessary every time we see each other.

But the increasing frequency of our meetings is making her harder to avoid.

There are times when we get too close to each other, and we find ourselves bang in the middle of a situation where we have to talk, so I have no choice but to say hello.

There is always this weirdness in the way she responds to me.

We never really talk much about each other’s lives, it’s as if we already know, as if…nothing happened between us.

To be honest that is more hurtful than if she outright says she hates me.

Although we can hold a conversation with each other, the tension between the three of us is still palpable.

We still find ourselves using careful, mincing tones with each other, like we are strangers.

But Su is slowly opening up to me, and there is this feeling I cannot shake off when I talk to her.

A kind of happiness mingled with regret.

When I’m speaking with Su, sometimes…I see _her_ at the corner of my eye, and somewhere in the back of my mind I still wonder if she ever thinks of me.

And I hate it.

I can’t count how many times I feel I have to take a mini-break when I was put in a room with a bunch of people in early middle age confronting me with questions about our past.

“So how did the two of you meet?”

“How did you react when you found out you were chosen to join Babymetal together?”

“Could you perhaps explain in detail how your relationship deepened over the years that you spent together in Babymetal?”

They asked us everything they could, even finance-related stuff that we usually didn’t think about, like whether we were satisfied with our pay, or how much we usually spent for our tours, or what our reaction was when Babymetal started to worth a mint, or even the rumors that my father is a coal mining tycoon who’s a millionaire several times over. One of them even implied that I might be milking my Babymetal fame for all its worth.

I just want this to be over with and never have to talk about _her_ or Babymetal ever again.

After that line of questioning, I sit outside the room, exhausted, while waiting for my manager to finish discussing some more important minutiae of my contract inside.

This is looking more and more like a bad idea…

But I have decided to continue…and with luck, maybe I don’t have to spend a lot of time with _her_.

So I don’t have to think about her.

…why do I even think of her so much…?

It doesn’t make any sense.

I should already be over her.

_Please just let me be over her…_

That way I can move on with my life…maybe even getting together with someone else.

…maybe Miho has a point.

Maybe I am meant to make peace with her.

I don’t know if that’s even possible.

But perhaps I have to make a little bit of effort…

Especially when there are still some things that are left unanswered…some things that I’m curious about but never bring up with her…

“Alright, I’ll wait for you outside.”

Not long afterward, the door to another room in front of me swings open, to reveal the very same girl I was thinking about.

My mind immediately goes blank.

When I want a chance to fix things up with _her_ , I didn’t expect it to come so soon.

It took her a second to notice me sitting there, and nearly as long to turn away and leave, without so much of a word or a newly minted expression.

I hold my breath, watching her slowly walk away.

It’s now or never.

Someone can come out and interrupt us any minute…

With all my might, I fight back all the urge to just sit there in silence and watch her walk away.

Again.

“ _You always run away from your problems._ ”

_No….not this time…_

_This time…_

_Just for this one time…_

_I want to make it right._

“Moa…!”

 

 

 

 


	5. Chapter 4

A/N: Slight NSFW ahead

 

* * *

 

_During your childhood, a small amount of money meant a lot when you were given limited pocket money every month._

_Once you became an adult, who actually worked for that money you get, your feelings for it start to change._

_But it was never that way for Moa._

_For her, money is just an arbitrary medium to fund her hobbies and interests, and she never pursues further than that._

_Her viewpoint of money in her twenties is not a day older than in her teens._

_She doesn't like to be called a child, but sometimes it feels like she never grows up._

_Still that same girl who gets excited over the tiniest things... still that same girl whose laughs always light up the whole room...still that same girl who works miracles when she tries to cheer people up._

_"I like making everyone smile," she would say, "Especially you, Yui, you have a really pretty smile."_

_I hate it when she said stuff like that with a straight face._

_Many times she would try her best to make me laugh or smile, especially during my worst days._

_She said she really liked it when I shared my favorite things, because then she could see my happy smile._

_Sometimes I can tell that she's not really interested in it, but when I point it out, she always gives me the same response._

_"You're having fun," she would say to me with a playful grin, "That's all that matters."_

_Those simple words were the basis of everything that Moa does for others._

_She never minds anything I showed her, no matter how weird, no matter how shameful, from middle-of-the-road entertainment to the absolutely bizarre, she took it all just because I loved them._

_Her kindness was one of the reasons I fell for her, hard._

_But she was never meant to fall in love with me._

_Neither in the past, nor in the future._

_Some dreams were just never meant to happen_.

 

* * *

 

The face is the mirror of the soul.

I never really understood that until I met Moa.

The surprise in her face is as clear as day.

I almost find it cute...if only my mind isn't so focused on talking properly like a normal human.

For a moment she only stands there quietly, waiting for me to make a move.

I gulp, trying to internally arrange my words.

So many things just spring to mind, but only one thing sticks out in my head just this minute.

"...why did you...come to my signing event...?" I ask her.

Please...

Please just give me an answer I would hate...

She scratches the back of her head nervously, visibly uncomfortable.

"...I...wasn't there for you," she replies, looking away from me.

I dislike the fact that even after all these years that we spent apart from each other...

I can still notice when she is not telling the truth.

"...you came with Ayami..."

"Yeah...we were on our way somewhere...and just happened to drop by, that's all."

She tries to appear calm and collected, but I can't help but notice the little things that give herself away, like the certain way she scrunches her eyebrows and hides her hands behind her back.

The longer this goes on, the more uncomfortable this would be for the two of us.

"Well...um," I say awkwardly, "...thanks for coming anyway."

"No problem," she replies abruptly.

"It must be a boring event for you, it's just the cast talking to each other and..."

"It's not," she interrupts, "You looked like you really enjoyed it."

I gape at her.

That tiny cherished memory, that I have shattered into nothingness, sprung into my head painfully, like pieces of glass going straight into my mind.

" _You're having fun..."_

Nothing could be any more different between us than five years ago...

And yet...

" _That's all that matters."_

Moa doesn't change.

Still the same...kind, considerate girl who stole my heart years ago.

And judging from how hollow my life had been since she left... from how much she made my head turn every time we were in the same room... from how clear that memory was when I thought it was completely gone...

I doubt she has ever returned it.

 

* * *

 

The rubble that was left of my relationship of Moa affected everything in my life.

My friendship with most of the Sakura Gakuin graduates became a little strained, because they all know the falling out between me and Moa, but not the whole story.

I still meet with them often, but reunions are always a bit awkward, because there is a chance I could meet Moa or Su.

It's Rinon that usually became the victim of my woes.

"...every single year you called me to ask the same question. No, Yui, they are not coming to the reunion."

I remember the things that have happened recently between Su, Moa, and me.

"...are you sure?" I ask with a sense of misgiving.

"I don't know, missy, just come," she says with a disgruntled tone, "It's been so long, year after year you keep avoiding them, you really need to get over it already."

"I know...I..."

My mind keeps replaying my short conversation with Moa, much more than I'm comfortable with.

I don't know if I am ready to see her again in a purely social setting, even with Rinon's misguided attempt to push me to try it out.

"Anyway, do you have a place in mind? Rau's this year's coordinator and she's taking suggestions. There's this nice bar I'm thinking about, although it is meant to be rather expensive...I guess everyone would prefer something more middling."

I listen to her rambling and trying her best to change the topic, but my mind is a little blank right now.

"...and you have to come at 6.00 to the minute, or Rau's going to be really angry. By the way, why did we choose her as coordinator again? It's miraculous she hasn't sent us a letter detailing our schedule and assigned seats there, which she probably would've done if she wasn't so busy."

"I know right..." I say absent-mindedly. I'm aware Rinon is not interested in talking about Su and Moa anymore, so I try to bring up a different topic.

"So how was your big family vacation to the nature reserve...?"

"It was...fun, I guess?" she replies, "There was nothing but trees and mire, though. It was a little awkward because my cousin just had a miscarriage. At least the air is refreshing."

"Maybe I should also go on vacation..." I wonder.

She let out a long sarcastic sigh.

"Believe me girl, with the amount of midlife stresses you have, you seem to need it the most out of all of us."

 

* * *

 

Moa is made of many things.

She's strong, she has a mind of her own, and once she desires something, or someone, there is no stopping her.

She is a mystery, a misfit, an oddity...that shows just enough for people to assume and popular misconceptions to appear...but never her whole self.

That, she only gives to the person most precious to her.

For a short moment, that person used to be me.

She would give everything to me.

Time moves differently when you are with someone you love.

When I was with Moa, I felt I was trapped under her magic.

When she pushed me down on the bed, everything else just disappeared.

When her lips touched my core, I saw fireworks under my eyelids.

She would make me thrash around...leave marks on my body...bring out noises I never knew I had...send down blinding pleasure so deep inside me that I couldn't stop screaming her name...

She had done that so many times...and I learned from her how intense love and passion can be.

And after she left...it all went with her.

For awhile, it was painful beyond measure.

It felt like my heart was ripped from my body and thrown into a desert, and for months it begged to be put out of its misery.

And sometimes... it felt the same for my body.

Once in a blue moon, I found myself craving for her touch.

Most of the time I could push it to the back of my mind, but sometimes the crushing loneliness was too overwhelming, and the far gone memories of her made my hand wander to places that I'd much rather avoid.

I would lie on my bed, and my mind would think of how loud she used to make me moan...how deep her tongue and fingers would reach inside of me...how hard she would rub my sensitive nub until I couldn't take it anymore...

And before long I couldn't stop myself from trying to feel a little bit of the pleasure that she used to give me...to feel her hands roaming all over my body once more...

It would leave me lying on my bed, covered in sweat, satisfied by fantasies of someone that was no longer there, whose name wouldn't even leave the tip of my tongue.

She's like a drug that I cannot quit, an addiction that continues to haunt me for years.

Every time I finished, I felt dirty with myself, but in the end of the day I just treated it like a mishap.

A series of mishaps that would never end.

Moa Kikuchi...

Sometimes I wish we had never met.

 

* * *

 

Before I could decide whether or not to come to the Sakura Gakuin graduates reunion party, the day has arrived.

It bothers me to the point that I wonder if I should make a reason not to come like I was misinformed of the time and place or something.

But I love Sakura Gakuin too much to do that, and it's been forever since I last met Rau and the others.

Then I receive a message from Su all of a sudden.

"Unless I misheard...you are coming to the reunion tonight?"

I don't even know why I do it, but without much thinking I reply to her with a yes.

So in the end I show up in the bar exactly at 6.00, wearing a white one piece dress and wondering how on earth I can survive this night.

Drinking a lot and deliberately misinterpreting all the questions directed to me sounds like a perfect plan.

...but perhaps I'm just overthinking this.

I mean, it's not like Moa would suddenly appear out of the blue after five years.

"Yui...you came!"

Rau greets me at the door with one of her big bear (panda) hugs.

She is wearing a blazer and a skirt with matching emerald green color, and her hair has grown from the last time I saw her, but she is still the same Rau: bossy, stylish, and confident.

The place is a little fancy, sort of minimalist-classical, and the small jukebox in the corner playing jazz music adds up to the atmosphere. Laughter and conversations swirl in the pleasant smell of drinks and faint lavender fragrance of the room. Along the wall hues of amber liquid in their inverted bottles is illuminated under the speckled lights. The bartender, who is scrubbing the glass of the chiller cabinet, gives me a sweet smile as I walk past.

"How are you doing, Rau?" I ask her as she brings me to our reserved VIP room.

"Never been better," she answers, "I planned this reunion for weeks, and I finally made history, so I won't let anyone leave at midpoint...!"

"History?" I ask with a curious tone, "What history?"

"Just in time for celebration of your documentary. You know, burying old hatchet and all that," she says smugly, pushing the VIP room door open, "Because for the first time in five years, I managed to gather all three of you former Babymetal members together...!"

My heart falls to my stomach.

In the middle of the crowd, surrounded by our former seniors and juniors, were Su and Moa, laughing and chatting without a care in the world with drinks in their hands.

My very first instinct is to run away.

Run away as far as I can from that place, to somewhere they cannot reach.

However, Rau's firm grip on my shoulder stops my train of thought.

"Listen, this is make up your mind time," she whispers to me, "You can't just do this forever. To us and to them."

"Why...but why..."

"Don't misunderstand. If it is any comfort to you, I didn't force them to come," she adds, "They just showed up here, with their own volition. We are all just as surprised as you are."

I can only stare at her, speechless, as she pats my back to join the crowd around Su and Moa.

I watch Moa for a few seconds, as she takes a few sips of her drink.

And then, slowly...miraculously...at that exact moment she turns and looks at me standing in stunned silence at the door.

I can see her eyes widening in surprise.

My breath hitches, and just like countless times before my heart begins to beat faster.

This is going to be a very long night.

 


	6. Chapter 5

When I was young, I got attached to many things.

Dolls, friends, teachers, Sakura Gakuin, Babymetal…

Moa…

As I grew up I eventually lost them all.

Sometimes I tried desperately to cling to them.

Sometimes literally.

There were moments when my tiny hands would find Moa’s sleeves and stay there for the rest of the day.

She would look at me, wondering, trying to get my meaning.

But there’s pretty much nothing.

I just didn’t want to be separated from her.

Ever, no matter what happened.

I couldn’t even imagine the day we would stop performing together.

I couldn’t imagine the day we stopped talking to each other.

And I wish I could go back and tell the younger me…

And it was the most torturous and painful as a day could be.

 

* * *

 

“I mean to say, you should’ve known how he would react when you said that!”

Jokes and laughter color the rest of the party, as we all drink, mingle, and share the stories of our lives.

I blend in the corner, wishing I could sink into my chair. This is not what I was expecting at all. The last thing I wanted was stuck in a social event with Moa. Why the heck did I even decide to come here despite my misgivings? Was I out of my mind? I have managed to avoid her for five years, keeping a monotonous routine that I have desperately craved month after month, and now…

I could barely listen to the conversation on the table, though my brain was so preoccupied with not staring at Moa on the other end.

“…and  _that’s_  why we should never settle for a mid-range computer…!” Ayami laughs and elbows me, “Don’t you think so, Yui?”

“Eh, what?”

Everyone just giggles and shakes their heads.

They knew I could be slow in catching up to conversation.

“Geez, I thought you’d be more interested in this, since your brother works with computers.”

“I, uh, he doesn’t really talk much about his job.”

“Ooh, are we in the topic of Yui’s hot brother?” Nene teases.

The girls nod in agreement and I hear some wolf whistles.

“Guys…it was weird then, it’s still weird now,” I comment.

“I still can’t believe he’s not a model, you know!” she goes on, obviously drunk, “When I was a teen…I could picture it in my mind’s eye…our perfect wedding.”

“No, Nene, that’s gross,” I deadpan.

She sticks out her tongue. “Glad to see you’re not changing at all, Yui-chan,” she says, “Are you dating any hot guys?”

“You drink too much, Ne-“

“Or, god forbid, girls…?” she drawls.

I gape. I couldn’t stop myself from glancing at Moa at that very moment.

But she is on her phone, not even looking at me.

“Aha…” Nene says, following my line of sight, “I guess no one would ever compare with Moa ‘playgirl’ Kikuchi, huh…?”

There is no mistaking the sudden tension in the air…as if an invisible monstrosity is summoned there with her words.

Su probably notices how pale I become and interrupt her, “Nene, stop it, you’re too drunk.”

Everyone else realizes a line has been crossed at this moment in time and quickly changes the topic to more mundane stuff, like Rinon accidentally misfiling some documents in her office.

I spend the whole night in near total silence, just drinking and eating.

I don’t even exchange a single word with Su or Moa.

All I can think about is what Nene said.

I have completely forgotten…

Life goes on even when I no longer keep in touch with Su and Moa.

I don’t know if they date anyone…I don’t know if they still live in their old address… I don’t know that one of their family members has a cancer that was misdiagnosed…

I found out about those things in this night that I wasn’t supposed to attend…

Moa is a paradox… a social misfit that was both avoided and popular… and it’s no secret that she is very gorgeous and good-looking.

She can have any girl or guy that she wants.

And all those times she toured with people other than me…

Why am I even thinking about these things…?

I’m just torturing myself...while everyone around me is getting drunk out of their minds.

“Yui, you look so bored, drink up, girl, drink up…!!”

“Um, I’m…”

“Oh, c’mon, this is your first night here in years…! We paid good money here, this is the time to relax and let it all out…!”

“Hey, guys, lay it off, it’s fine if she doesn’t want to drink…” Su says.

I’m so glad she is here.

I can feel her trying to protect my feelings, and I’m very grateful of that.

She even slips an apology to me about Nene’s misguided attempt to be friendly with me.

But the longer the time goes on, and the longer Moa gives me the cold shoulder, the more I despise myself.

Soon one drink turns to two…then to three…then to four…

The rest of the night is a complete blur.

I’ve never been a heavy drinker, and I don’t think I’ve ever drunk that much in my life.

I just want the pain to go away.

I just want to drink so much that the world as I know it ceases to exist.

I want to drink so much to erase my memories with Moa…

By the time the party is over, I feel like my ears are working so badly that I mishear nearly half of what everyone was saying at the time.

But when I get drunk, it doesn’t really show much on the outside.

I just become happy and disconnect from reality.

That’s why nobody is concerned that I would get into any mishaps on my way home.

“That was a blast, Yui! You really should come more often. Are you sure you’ll be okay going back home?”

“Very sure,” I reply, “Tonight was fun, take care everyone.”

I hear something about Su having to drive a few of the girls back home, and I stumble away on my own, merrily heading back home.

I feel my sight going in and out of focus.

This might not be such a good idea…it gets a little difficult to put one of my foot in front of the other.

Why am I drinking in the first place…?

Why do I keep making bad decisions…?

Why can’t I enjoy my life the way I used to…?

I lean against the wall, trying to keep my balance while taking a deep breath…

How…

…did I get here…?

Drinking to kill my pain away…

How could I stoop so low…?

Tears pool out in my eyes before I know it…and I sit there sobbing my eyes out.

I thought I have grown…

I thought I’m not that stupid lost kid anymore…

But it turns out I’m worse.

I keep misleading myself…lying to myself.

That everything is completely okay.

That everything is the way it’s supposed to be.

That I don’t need anyone in my life.

Least of all…

“…are you crying…?”

…Moa.

I look up to see her concerned face, bending down above me who is a sobbing mess on the sidewalk.

“…what are you doing here?”

My first reaction to her, probably helped by the huge amounts of alcohol in my system, is anger.

“None of your business,” I grumble.

“You are…sitting on the sidewalk at 1 AM in the morning. While crying.”

“It’s none of your business, Kikuchi!” I say louder, “Just keep on ignoring me like you did in the bar. Why do you start caring now anyway?”

I turn away from her.

“Just leave me alone wondering how badly I have mismanaged my life.”

“What are you even talking about?” she says, “You’re the Yui Mizuno, aspiring actress, ex-Babymetal, your entire life is a success story waiting to be written into a book.”

“No, it’s not, it’s far from that.”

She sighs. “You’re just drunk, and sad, I’m taking you home,” she pulls me up from the floor.

“No, Kikuchi, I don’t want you in my house, let me go…!”

“Yeah, yeah, Miss Mizuno, as if I never carried you home when you were drunk before.”

“You did…?” I hiccup.

She thinks for awhile, before replying, “Let’s just say, it’s a night I’d rather not remember.”

I flush bright red.

I suddenly remember…vaguely.

We just had the worst fight ever, I stormed out crying, then attempted to drown all my sadness in a few bottles of beer, thinking that we were just too different and mismatched to ever, ever work…

Then Moa came to pick me up, whispering sweet apologies in my ears during the whole trip back home, as she listened to my drunken ramblings about how angry I was with her.

It then led to the most passionate sex we had had in a long while.

I woke up in a mixture of hangover and post coital bliss.

Needless to say, we don’t look at each other for the whole ride home this time.

Some things are just better left unspoken.

 

* * *

 

The first time Moa sees a new apartment is because I am too drunk to get home by myself.

As if things can’t get even more pathetic to me than before.

“I can walk by myself,” I mumble, but she never leaves my side.

I hate myself for being too embarrassed to look at her.

I hate myself for being secretly grateful for her help.

I hate myself for feeling  _so many emotions_  when I’m standing next to her…when she shows her concern through the little things she does for me…when she tries to comfort me with her soft voice…

I hate it all because none of it matters.

Moa is not even my friend anymore.

Moa is a stranger.

Moa is a stranger and my body still refuses to accept that after five years.

She lies me down on the couch and offers to make me some tea.

For some reason I can’t comprehend, I can’t refuse her.

I just find her presence…so warm and comforting.

I realize it even in the haze of alcohol flowing inside my brain…

I miss her.

Before I know it I’ve been rambling to her about my life, the mistakes I made, and how hard it is to make it in the industry... everything that’s in my mind at that moment. I still can’t bring myself to talk about our ruined relationship though.

“…you really don’t need to think about what people say,” she explains from the kitchen, “You just need to be you. You’re no mean artist, and if people don’t like your opinions or decisions, so what? Remember when you wanted us to show off our bare midriff?”

I can’t help but let out a chuckle. “Oh god that was eons ago…”

“The Yui I know…” she says, “…wants nothing more than to stand out and be herself in every opportunity.”

She puts the cup of tea on the coffee table and crouches down to my level.

“That’s…” I say, “That’s not true, I’m not brave enough for that. I’m not…brave like you.”

I always…

I always look up to her.

No matter how much I refuse to admit it.

She’s always such a prankster…cracking up jokes wherever she goes…simply being herself.

And everybody loves her for it.

“You know…I was not being myself all the time,” she says, “I’m not perfect, and I hide that to maintain this illusion that I’m this constantly happy, friendly girl everyone likes…”

“That…” I blurt out, “That is why I…”

She is both perfect and imperfect… both a jokester and a crybaby… both the person I love…

And the person I hate.

“…That is why I hate you so much,” I tell her, “I wish you could just…get out of my life already.”

I can’t tell what she is thinking.

I can’t read her mind.

She just stares at me in silence as tears begin streaming down my face again.

“Why are you even back here…?”

My face is probably a snot-covered mess now, but I’m too drunk to care.

“Why did you agree to do the project…?”

I’m nearly shouting at her at this point.

“Why are you…”

All of those lonely moments…all of those hurtful memories…all of those times I wish I could just turn back time…

“…always in my head?”

I wish she would just say something.

I wish she would just say she hated me back.

But instead…she just sits on the floor in front of me with a damp towel.

“Just…” she whispers, gently wiping my sweat and tears with the towel, “Rest up for now…Yui.”

Her warmth…

Her kindness…

Her softness…

I have long forgotten how they feel…and now they all come back to me in a single touch.

The Moa who was always on my side…

Who cared for me, who gave me comfort when I wanted to cry…

Who shared everything with me…who loved me with all her being…

I miss her.

I miss her so much it hurts just lying there and watching her caring for this pathetic girl who doesn’t deserve her.

Her face is the last thing I see before my consciousness slowly slips away.

When I open my eyes in the morning, she is already gone…but not before leaving a bowl of porridge on the table and some medicine.

I spend a lot of time just staring at it, trying to piece together my memories from last night, and then I realize something.

That is probably the best I have slept in days.

 

* * *

 

“Geez, do these people understand the meaning of privacy?” Miho grumbles at me.

One midsummer morning, several days after my drunken outburst, it turns out a nasty paparazzi managed to snap a picture of me crying miserably in front of Moa in the back alley.

As I make a name for myself, more and more of these pictures start to surface around the media, especially blogospheres where people can hide behind fake identities.

“It’s fine, it’s nothing serious,” I remark.

“What were you doing with Kikuchi?”

“Nothing,” I shrug. “I was drunk. She brought me home. That’s it.”

“Huh. You went out drinking with her?”

“No, it was…with some old friends,” I say, “Anyway, it’s not important.”

She looks at me questioningly, but decides not to ask further.

“Well, I’m glad that you’re reconnecting with her.”

“It’s really not what you’re thinking…”

“But you do need to be careful,” she warns, “If these people find out about your past…”

“They won’t. We’ve gone through this, you really need to get it out of your mind—”

Right at the moment, my phone starts vibrating.

I see the notification of a new message flashing on the screen. It’s from an unknown number.

I read the message, almost doing a double take.

“I didn’t know you live alone now in that area of the town. Are you crazy? Please save my number in case of emergencies, like last night. I will try to get you home.

- MOA”

I just stare at that number, not knowing what to feel.

I’m aware that I should stop this from going further…that I should delete the message and move on with my life as if nothing happened.

But those emotions I felt last night…they are all real.

And somewhere deep inside me, I keep clinging to it…I would not let go…

Or maybe I could not let go.

Just like that child who refused to let go…many, many years ago.

Those feelings from the beginning of that friendship never disappeared.

 


End file.
